A Happier Post Script

I just realized that my last post is rather long, sorry. I'm also sorry that the first post in sooooo very long had to be so very melancholy. It has been so much on my heart of late that I really couldn't write about anything else; even though I have definitely been up to some fun stuff recently.

I would like to leave you with something happy though; something bright that always flashes into my mind when I find myself drawn to these particular birthday memories. Just one little sweet story before I finally go to bed...

Last year on my birthday, after a mostly blah night of bad ideas, disapointments, and holding back sad thoughts, I was riding in the car with Lucas. Leaning against the window, I smoothed a ruffle on my pretty, practically wasted, birthday dress and said something like, "I really just wanted to dance somewhere... I can't believe they didn't have any dancing," in a half-sighing, forlorn kind of voice.

To this, my wonderful Scholar replied, "Well, I can't think of anywhere else the might have dancing... Want to go walking somewhere?" It was too late to go down to our usual spot by the bridge though. Somehow we ended up at Wal-Mart, walking up and down the aisles and talking. I guess it's sort of funny to go strolling around a store late at night, all dressed up; but it was fun.

Then Lucas said something like, "You know, I bet the music sample board in that one aisle has some slow songs on it. We could go dance to that."

"Really? You wouldn't mind?"

And he smiled that special smile that's just mine and said, "Course not."

So we went to the aisle and we picked an album with lovely, slow love songs off the board... and even though it only played about 10 seconds of the same four songs every time we pushed the button, he held me close and we swayed slowly, round and round. In the middle of an aisle at Wal-mart, we danced. I cannot think of a more perfect way to end one's birthday.

Memories of 21

What's this? Is it an actual NEW POST!? Fear not, your eyes are not deceiving you... and you aren't crazy either! Isn't that nice to know? ^-^ A new post indeed!

I have been having a hard time sleeping lately. I think it's been 3 weeks since it started. Can't say why... well I could, except that the 'reason' would probably change tomorrow. Honestly I can't seem to pin it down. I just can't sleep. So I find myself sitting up late into the early morning, playing silly but time consuming flashy-type games, and thinking about all kinds of things. And one of the things I've been thinking about is my birthday, last year. Well, sort of the whole time around it really.

My birthday is the 23rd of March, in case you didn't know. That was just last week. I'm 22 now, and I even managed to plan some really fun stuff to do by way of celebration. (I'll probably post some stuff about that later) I was so excited the whole week leading up to my big plans. It was like I had frothy, plotty bubbles in my head. That's exactly how is was last year too. I had so many plans, and I was sure they were all going to turn out just amazingly.

But they didn't really.

It started the day before my birthday, March 22nd. We had a family party at my Aunt's house. I know for a fact that the cake was delicious and that all 10+ members of my close-about family sang to me in various keys, pitches, volumes, and accents... all at once... because that's how birthday parties always are with our family. ^-^ Beyond that however, things are just a foggy haze of smiles that I wanted to mean but didn't really, and sneaking off to the bathroom to cry.

The reason for this had nothing to do with my family at all. I just so happened to have opened an email right before we left for my Aunt's... I am trying my level best not to be too Anne-ishly dramatic, so I will simply say that this was how I found out that a very good friend of mine had died.

She was one of my writing ladies, and she was wonderful. She had a big heart, and a hearty laugh. I could tell when I first met her that she dearly loved to laugh. She was a very candid person. Whether it was constructive critizism and questions about someone's writing, thoughts or feelings about her struggles with cancer, or just something scandelous and giggle-worthy; she was not afriad to share what was on her mind.

I just remember thinking over and over, "How could such a woman no longer be in the world?" But, I think the thing that shocked me the most, that rocked me to my core, was the fact that she had died in January... and I had no idea. I hadn't even been thinking of her, or my other writing ladies, even though I knew she had been having a bit of trouble with her cancer returning. I was too busy with work, with my brand new boyfriend, to look beyond my own little happy bubble.

About two weeks later, somewhere around the 3rd of April, my dad's family called to tell us that one of my older cousins, one of my dad's nieces, had gone into a coma. Three days later we learned she was braindead, she died. We'd sort of lost contact with my dad's family, but this cousin would sometimes email me, or comment on my Elfwood stories. She used to talk to me online about favorite books and my plans for my writing. I remember she was so excited about us moving back down to California... she wanted our address to send birthday cards to, she kept saying she hoped we would come down and visit her in Sacremento... that I would visit her. I never did, I never even spoke much with her after we moved down. I was too... busy.

These are some of the things I've been thinking about during these recent nights of not-sleeping. In fact, these are the things I think about when I realize that I haven't talked to my Mom in nearly a week, or called my sister-friend in months... that I don't even know what is going on in my own sisters' lives. What a terrible thing it is to be too busy. What a waste it is too spend precious time avoiding and being angry at each other.

I can't turn back time and send more emails, make more calls, laugh more laughs, or put off some other plans to pay a visit. I can, however, strive to never make that mistake again. That was one of my two New Year's resolutions actually, to keep more in touch with my friends. I pray that God will help me keep that resolution too... he certainly knows the best how prone my mind is to wandering and getting lost in its own little worlds. ^-^